This wait is killing me!

"Ugh! This wait is killing me!" Now, just how many times have you heard yourself saying that?! Anticipation is truly something that defies all laws of physics. How else do you explain the excruciatingly slow pace of ever passing second?! I think when Einstein put forth the theory of relativity, he was probably waiting for something really badly!

Anyway, I often find that there are three important phases of anticipation- the inspiration phase, the edgy phase and the reaction phase. Well, while the second and the third phases are pretty straightforward to understand, it is the inspiration phase that interests me the most. Imagine a scenario where you JUST gave an interview, or, just asked the person of your dream out and they said they needed some time to decide. What are the thoughts that normally race through one's mind? Here's what I feel- I start off with a feeling of immense satisfaction..that of happiness..even confidence! I feel like I have conquered the world, that nothing can go wrong now. With all these positive feelings I often find myself feeling inspired- to write, to work, to try something new. There is this impending sense of success that simply drives me forth. The inspiration phase is the most interesting because it is the time when I should ideally feel jittery. But somehow the jitters are replaced by this inner peace that I have given my 100% and hence there is nothing to fear.

Then comes the very difficult edgy phase. This phase may or may not exist depending on how soon you hear the result. If it takes too long, there you have it- EDGY! The first symptoms of the edgy phase (for me at least) are getting snappy and sensitive. I often find myself getting agitated by the most minuscule of things such as there being no milk in the fridge or the coffee turning out to be too sweet! YES! Its literally so trivial! If the result does not show up soon, I seldom find my stomach getting upset or my back hurting...basically, me turning into nothing short of a hypochondriac! (Okay, maybe thats an exaggeration but you get the point!?)

Finally, comes the reaction phase. This one is good or bad depending on what you get. However, if it is bad, then the cycle seems to repeat, albeit in reverse- first comes the edginess, only now it would be called the sadness and then, once I am done wallowing, comes the inspiration. This is something like the phoenix rising from the ashes..where I know I have had enough of wallowing and it won't get me anywhere and I just need to buckle down and work harder. The only difference is, the inspiration phase here has a lining of fear and sadness.

We are faced with events that spark anticipation so many times. And I am sure we never even realize that these are all the things that go through our confused minds then! Well..this is just the brainchild of my inspiration phase, which by the way is fast turning into edgy...AAARRRGGGGHHHH! Hehehe!

Happy in my skin?

Everyday we are reminded in some way or another of how we should be comfortable being who we are. Be it through the well practiced beauty pageant answers, or an old school memory or just our minds playing games with us every time we try to be like someone else. Is it true then? That we have to be "comfortable being who we are?" Or is it just another way of consoling ourselves because we cannot be what someone else is? Cannot do what someone else does? I think its the latter. Whom am I trying to fool when I say I am PERFECTLY happy being who I am and don't wish to change ANY thing at all?

There is slew of things I wish I could do without batting an eyelid. I wish I could spend senselessly or ramble on mindlessly grabbing everyone's attention or even snap around at people like a crocodile when I am in a bad mood. I wish I could wake up in the morning and not do anything at all and contrarily wake up early and work like a maniac! If only I could do what I felt, just when I felt, without consulting anybody. All these are perfectly normal, perfect human traits and they definitely exist in real people I know. Then why can't I be like THEM?

If I snapped around I would be deemed rude, if I spent on every trinket I saw I would be slated a spendthrift and if I listened to my heart and not my mind or my 'minders' (!) I would never be advised by them again. But despite all the consequences, I would be happy doing all those things. It would seem like cruising over the rainbow into the land of dreams...or, lolling on the greener grass on the other side...even pandering to my every craving without feeling guilty..ah..bliss!

But craving is a bucket that can never be filled. People from the land of the greener grass would probably excommunicate me with all my snapping and lazing around. After all, even if the grass is greener, it does need mowing, doesn't it? What about the times when I need some advice that even my footloose mind cannot provide? Would my 'minders' help me then? In such times of crisis, would I still be happy in my skin as I once was? Or would I crave once again to be who I used to be? Be in the old-me's skin rather than the free-and-happy-and-lonely-me's? Its a cinch I would.

So what is the moral of my long ramble here? The moral is that there is no moral to this story! No one is happy being who they are and to some level always want to be somebody else. If stagnate yourself being what you are, you end up leading a boring, unidirectional, unexciting life. But the more you try to chase being what you are not, the lonelier you get. I am no sage to sermonize on striking the perfect balance! All I know is, I am happy AND unhappy in my skin because of who I am with; my 'minders', my supporters and my people. They are  the brakes to my speeding car- no matter how exhilarating speed may be, you need to stop eventually. And I'd rather speed in glory and brake safely than crash wildly.

So, are you happy? In your skin?

Not-so-personal space issue!

Have you ever felt like you wanted to be left alone? That even the person closest to you seemed like an interference? Maybe even an annoyance? A nuisance? Intruded in your space?? I do...I feel it quite unfrequently but when I do, I am not sure whether I should feel guilty about it or just treat it as another "personal space" issue.

It may be times when people bombard you with questions or even doubt you over something...maybe sometimes make you feel rather small. Or it may be times when you wish to retreat into the sanctity of your shell and just BE. Or times when you need to gather your thoughts before exposing yourself, even to your closest ones. Lets not forget the times when you feel you have been treated unfairly and need to be shown some remorse from the person before going back to being the usual way. Or times when you are annoyed with the world in general and need to cool down or you will snap! All these are instances when it is your absolute necessity to be alone. And these are incidents and emotions that everyone faces. How do you react then, should your need for privacy be treated differently, is looked down upon or worst still, taken as a personal insult by your close ones?

It would be unfair to state that it just our close ones who do this. Don't we do the same? When we are told to "leave them alone", how do we react? Unless it is a scene straight out of a soppy soap opera, no one lets go! No one sits back quietly waiting for the fire to silence. Everyone wants an answer, a comment, a reaction, right there, right then! Be it nasty, hurtful or the worst of all, brutally honest (which will eventually cause us to regret asking for it!).

What is the attraction that we have with playing on people's nerves? What is our attraction with promoting personal space ideals but getting mortified at the thought not being let into that space? Why does sharing lives,  sharing thoughts and sharing homes have to converge into sharing mind space as well?! We have all learnt the famous and highly abused maxim- Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. But yet we repeatedly refuse to follow it when it comes to personal space. We can get most perseverant in the silliest of  endeavors.We never cease trying to cross over that barbed fence of "personal space" of others despite hurting ourselves against it, time and again.

Aren't there times when you just thank God that mind is one desert that no man, other than ourselves, can encroach upon? It is time we took a moment and decided just how much of that un-encroachable area was really ours. If we found even a tiniest bit of empty land there, it would be a real investment cultivating an oasis there. So that, in future, God forbid but if anybody ever DID enter our personal space, we can engage them in the beautiful oasis there is, rather than hurting them with a barbed fence.